just a normal amount of anxiety

it was the first time in god knows how long that i was excited about socializing without hesitation. i was on my way to west virginia to spend a weekend with a group of people i love; the last hurrah before two wonderful humans bring another life into this world. halfway between home and my destination, my car decided to deliver what would turn out to be the final blow in our unhealthy relationship. i managed to drive the three miles to a mechanic that was open and willing to check out my car, engine clanking and exhaust pipe smoking the entire way. he delivered the news that would result in the final breakup between me and my never-deserved-to-be-named subaru: it needed an engine rebuild and would cost probably between $4500-6000. those numbers rendered my car totaled. and just like that, i went from being on my way to a relaxing farm weekend to being stuck in a place that i would much rather not be for many reasons, just a couple of miles from a brewery i really like (liked?) with what feels like a very good reason to say fuck it all and go deal with this over a couple of beers.

but instead of doing that, i rage texted some friends about my horrible ordeal, updated other friends of my predicament and late arrival, called my mom (you're never too old to call your mom for advice), and REACHED OUT TO SOBER PEOPLE. i used the tools that i so blatantly cast aside the last time i was faced with the discomfort of a difficult situation. and it worked. i knew i didn't want to drink, but i needed the accountability that comes along with opening up to people who are going through a similar struggle; the support that comes with each reply, even if it's just a few words. just the act of writing out a message helped redirect my thoughts and gave me new energy to put towards dealing with my car situation, instead of wasting the incredible amount of energy it can take to merely stop thinking about drinking. i used my resources, figured out a plan, and dealt with my shit without the distraction of trying to convince myself that i shouldn't go to the brewery. and i eventually made it to the farm!

so now i'm here, writing this post while watching my beautiful queer family in the pool with the tree-covered hills of west virginia in the background. in a matter of weeks, there is going to be a new member of the family, who is coming to a beautiful little pocket of an otherwise largely fucked up world. she has no idea how many people are already deeply in love with her. who are ready to help guide her through this world. i’ve been excited about this addition since i learned about her 7 months ago, but right now, in this moment, i’m feeling a new type of excitement. the excitement of not only having a new life to watch but of being emotionally and mentally present for that. of this moment right now: watching a&m convey how much they love each other with only their eyes, a look that’s obvious even through sunglasses; sitting next to my bro, who just got confirmation that they're still cancer-free 6 months after surgery; hearing random bursts of laughter. you won't find too many pictures of me on here, but this one captures all those amazing feelings far too well to not include it.

not even a week ago i was in a meeting, talking about this seemingly unattainable euphoric feeling that people have in sobriety. claims of never being able to imagine that life would be as good as it is. i questioned it. i didn't believe it was in the cards for me. and i was okay with that. i was okay with just having a life that was nothing more than what it has been, just without the hangovers and with just a normal amount of anxiety. but here i am today, understanding without a doubt what it is everyone has been talking about. even if that feeling only lasts for today. even if it doesn’t return for weeks, months, even years, this weekend has shown me that it’s possible. this natural euphoria that doesn’t require my body to physically recover the next day can exist. there will still be shitty moments. my sobriety will still be tested in small and major ways. but i’m gathering the tools to get that high again. and again. and again.